Take good care of yourself! Question: My parents call me a failure, a slob, a pig, an idiot, stupid, dumb, and worthless. I actually have a lot of friends, and I want to talk to them. So I grabbed an extra iPad from the living room and hid it. My friends gave me compliments to make me feel better. I am an only child and never have anyone to talk to. Yesterday, my parents found the iPad.
They hit me, threw me into the door, and called me the same names they always do. I just want a normal life. Can anyone help me with my abusive parents?
Answer: Yes, there are people who care and want to help. You, though, must have the courage to take the first step and reach out to them. Isolation is a common tactic of abusers, and it sounds like your parents are utilizing it. This isolation makes you feel even more helpless and alone and even more dependent on your tormentors.
You have several options. Since you have a lot of friends, you can confide in one of them and get their parents involved. You could ask to move in their home until your parents get the help that they need i. You could also move in with your grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, or family friends. You can also speak with a teacher or counselor.
Then, a social worker will come to your home to interview you and your parents. The social worker would take whatever steps necessary to keep you safe and well. Please reach out to a trusted adult as soon as possible. Question: My dad always tells me to lose weight. Every time he sees me he says that it looks like I've gained a few pounds. I already hate my body and my looks, and it doesn't help that my mom doesn't care.
I asked my mom straight-up: "Do you think I'm fat? Just face the facts. Answer: As your comments illustrate, being overweight as a youngster is a symptom of a much bigger problem. It's not a kid issue; it's a family issue. Unfortunately, when parents are busy, they often ignore the deeper, more complex reasons for the weight gain.
They see the solution as being easy and not requiring any involvement on their part, but that's not the case.
In their minds, it just takes you eating less and moving more. Unfortunately, it's not that simple as you probably already know. There are a lot of hurt feelings that need to be addressed. There's dysfunction in the family unit that needs to be resolved. They are communication skills that need to be improved. If you and your parents only look at the weight issue, you're missing a wonderful opportunity to get to the heart of the problem. If you were cutting yourself, for example, the solution wouldn't be for you to no longer have access to sharp objects.
No, the solution would be for the family to figure out why you're engaging in this harmful behavior and confront the root problem. The same is true with weight issues, whether it's gaining too much, losing too much or having anorexia or bulimia.
The first step is to get your mom or dad to take you to the pediatrician for a check-up. Your doctor can then explain the changes taking place in your body and why they may be leading to weight gain. Your doctor can advise you on how to best maintain a healthy weight and improve your body image. Your doctor will probably urge your parents to buy more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, prepare healthier meals, and purge the kitchen of snack foods, sodas, and such.
Your doctor will probably recommend that technology use be reduced and outdoor time be increased. The next step is to explore the underlying reasons for the weight gain: things you mentioned such as not feeling good about your appearance and thinking that your mom doesn't care.
You could be suffering from depression, which can most definitely result in extra pounds. This, too, is something to discuss with your pediatrician who may then refer you to a psychologist or therapist. Family counseling would be a wonderful way for you, your parents, and any siblings to talk about tough subjects with the help of a professional.
It provides a safe space to explore the dysfunction in the family and figure out workable solutions. You definitely shouldn't be in this alone. Your parents love you but aren't seeing the bigger picture. Please reach out to them for help so all of you can get the support you need. Take care! Question: Last night, during the coronavirus quarantine, my parents called me "stupid" for not doing schoolwork. What should I do if this happens again?
With that being said, I hope that their name-calling is not a regular occurrence but a one-time event brought on by the strain of quarantine. Instead of waiting until it happens again, be proactive and stop it from recurring.
But I need your love and support, not name-calling. As a parent myself, I know that many of us are concerned that our kids are falling behind academically during this time. Your mother is using poor judgment and is lacking self-control. Her behavior is verbally abusive. Hopefully, you can convince her to stop but, if not, please get an adult involved to help.
By expressing compassion and concern, you might prompt her to open and be vulnerable. Then, the two of you can brainstorm ideas to fix it. If the name calling continues, talk with an adult you trust: your dad, a grandparent, a teacher, a family friend, or a counselor.
Ask that person to intervene on your behalf and speak with your mom. She may be at a breaking point and need some support. How can I become more conscientious in my language? Answer: First, let me congratulate you for wanting to make this change. Take it or leave it. When my sons were little, my husband pointed out to me that I was sarcastic with them. While wounded at first, I did eventually step back, check my behavior, and realize that he was correct. At that point in my life, this description fit me to a tee.
When I worked to improve my communication skills and gain some power in my life, I was able to drop the sarcasm. You may need to go all the way back to childhood, but that newfound awareness will help you stop. Question: How important is it for adults who were verbally abused as children by their parents to find validation and support in the present?
We believe what they say is true without question and their statements about us become our inner voice. If their words are critical and hurtful, they damage our self-esteem and can stay with us long into adulthood. If we misspeak at an office meeting or cocktail party, for example, we may automatically hear our parents in our heads.
We may be listening to a tape that says: That was so stupid! How could you say such a thing? You really put your foot in your mouth this time!
Becoming conscious of these destructive thoughts is important to finally getting rid of them. Working with a cognitive therapist can also be extremely helpful.
Clients learn strategies to make their thinking work for them, not against us. Thanks for the question! Question: How can I escape from a mum who has been calling me fat, untalented, and dumb compared to my sisters who are way better than me in everything?
She does not try to understand that I have inner demons. Your mom is insecure and gets a dose of self-worth when her daughters excel. That person your dad, your sister, an aunt, a grandparent, a neighbor should explain how destructive the name-calling is. They should encourage your mom to see a therapist or take parenting classes. If you need help to manage your thoughts, work with a cognitive therapist online or in person. Answer: That would be a bad idea for two reasons: 1 The police are extremely busy and are not the best resource for dealing with non-violent family disputes.
Your mom is responsible for protecting you from such verbal abuse. She should be your advocate. However, she may be too scared, too weak, or too financially dependent on her husband. Therefore, she may be hesitant to speak up and end it. The best plan is to get all of you--your mom, stepdad, any siblings, and you--into family therapy online or in person. The name calling is a symptom of a larger dysfunction in your home.
You need professional help to unravel the problems, talk about them, and find solutions. For this to happen, you need to confide in a trusted adult about your home situation. That person can direct you to resources in your community. Please know that there is help out there and people do care. Question: My mom keeps calling me mentally retarded and stupid and an idiot. She calls me this when my brother keeps annoying me and laughing at me. She and my dad never believe me when I tell them this.
How can I make my mom stop talking to me rudely? Name-calling is ineffective, juvenile, and as you know from my article can have a far-reaching negative impact on kids. Perhaps, her parents called her names when she was a child. Perhaps, her life feels out of control, and name-calling makes her feel powerful. While these excuses may explain her bad behavior, none of them excuse it.
If I do that, will you please stop the name-calling? Parents are under a lot of stress these days. When you and your brother argue, it increases the tension in the house. Now, more than ever, we want our homes to be peaceful places. By working together and making a plan, I know that you and your family can make your living situation happier and more tranquil. Question: My dad called me mental because I always repeat the same mistake. Is it right for him to call me that?
It sounds like he got frustrated when you repeated the same mistake. My article is about the harmful effects of parental name calling that is frequent and occurs over time.
All I can do is speak from my own experience and from what other people have shared with me. With that being said, some parents resort to name-calling out of a combination of ignorance and arrogance. My dad was a highly intelligent college graduate but never bothered to learn about parenting even though he fathered four kids. He never took a parenting class, never read a parenting book, and never showed a drop of curiosity about child development.
As a result of his ignorance and arrogance, he wound up not having any parenting philosophy or any long-range plan for rearing his kids. He just reacted with anger and frustration as different problems arose and name-calling became his favorite weapon. When he became stressed with his job or worried about family finances, his name-calling escalated. He could be cruel, deriving pleasure from making his kids cry, especially my sister and me.
When we stopped showing any outward emotional response to his name-calling, it diminished. It has nothing to do with their kids. Therefore, I encourage you to reach out to a trusted adult who can speak to your father on your behalf: a grandparent, an aunt, an uncle, your mom, your coach, or a family friend. Is there something I should do? Answer: Your mother is being cruel and seems to be deliberately undermining your self-worth. Has she always acted in this nasty way or is this behavior new?
She either needs to attend therapy sessions or take parenting classes. Perhaps, she became sexually active at a young age and is wanting you to avoid that same fate.
Your mom has problems that she needs to deal with and another adult can make sure she does so. Question: My mom calls me a baby, lazy, selfish, and once even a bully. It really, really hurts.
Should I let my mother communicate with me so rudely any longer? Answer: When your mom is in a relaxed mood, speak to her about the name-calling and how it's hurting the relationship. Ask her to stop. In the future, if she starts up again, leave the room immediately.
Moreover, never get in the mud with her. We teach people how to treat us. By disengaging from the situation, you'll be informing her that this behavior is unacceptable. If she wants a relationship with you, she must treat you with respect. Name-calling is typically a symptom of a bigger problem. If this behavior has only shown itself recently, your mom may be stressed out, depressed, or angry, and in need of therapeutic intervention. Ask her if there's anything you can do to help.
If the name-calling has always been a part of her behavior, that indicates low character. She's unlikely to change so it's best to distance yourself from her. It's said that the person who causes us the most emotional pain is our greatest teacher. Take what you're learning from your mother's name-calling and make yourself a better, kinder, and stronger person. Vow to never use words as weapons to hurt others.
Realize how powerful they are and speak them to lift people up, not tear them down. Question: I get called "useless" and I feel useless as well.
I help around the house doing my chores and all and I get called useless when I spend too much time on my phone or laptop rather than helping my parents.
Is this verbal abuse or just strict parenting? Answer: This is ineffective parenting. Instead of motivating you to do what they want, your parents actually accomplished the opposite and made you feel like giving up.
We gradually surrender and accept our fate. I see my life pass before my eyes and say this is it.. Thank you for reaching out. I am sorry to hear that you are facing the effects of verbal abuse regularly. I want to let you know that by recognizing this behaviour is harmful to you is one of the first steps to helping your own mental health.
I applaud you for being brave enough to seek help from this toxic environment. It is not an easy process, and many people will try multiple times before they are able to break free from verbal abuse. Please look inside yourself and realize that you are worthy of a positive and loving relationship in every aspect of your life. You do not have to be ashamed of not doing anything sooner, unfortunately many of us believe that the abuse will go away or not get worse, when in fact it doesn't.
There are many local resources that can provide counselling and help to get you through these difficult times. I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey. Hi Emma! My husband is wonderful in so many ways, but he is certainly verbally abusive I used to call it out more, but then it would turn into a fight and I was crazy, thin skinned, freaking out, or like my mother. We have 4 sons and my teen sons see it too, cause he does it to them, but the one and only time they actually voiced it during a fight 3 weeks ago He watched his dad and mother do this as well, his mother is difficult to deal with to this day due to hrr mouth.
His comments are a daily thing. He is willing to go to counseling, but I am nervous about how that will go. Also, my family knows how I feel about my mom and we have been estranged for 8 years now. Many blessings friend! Hi Lisa, Thank you for your comment. I'm so glad you're finding the blog helpful. My ex used to manipulate everyone into thinking he was some sort of saint -- I feel sure he would have at least tried to win over a counselor, so I know what you mean.
I hope you do decide to see someone though, whether on your own or with your husband. Good luck, and please come back to the blog and get in touch anytime.
I have just walked away from an unhealthy relationship 3 weeks ago. I still find I miss Dr jekyl my name for the nice him He put me on a pedastool of the highest height and would bring me down with a crash just to be the ressuer and put me back up. In 7 years I have Taken an overdose become estranged from family and become someone I don't know but worse than all that I exposed my daughter to it. My daughter is 14 and receiving therapy for anxiety and self harm.
So I'm angry at myself and disappointed I wasn't stronger. I'm 38 and I don't know if I could ever trust again. We are currently living at my parents they welcomed me back with relief and open arms he says he's worried about myself and my daughter yet he wouldn't give up the house.
Right now I feel pretty worthless. I do hope I will get over this as I hate feeling so angry sad and stupid. Rachel, thank you for your comment, and well done for walking away from what you recognized as an unhealthy situation.
What you're feeling is totally normal and understandable given what you've been dealing with, so please allow yourself some space to heal and some self-compassion. As a result, when the abuser is loving and gentle, the victim can forget about the negative behavior. Ultimately, the victim ends up ignoring the pattern of verbal abuse or makes excuses for the behavior, saying that the abuser is just stressed or going through a tough time right now.
When someone is being verbally abused, the person attacking them may use overt forms of abuse like engaging in name-calling and making threats, but also more insidious methods like gaslighting or constantly correcting, interrupting, putting down, and demeaning them. Even prolonged silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse.
When this happens, the person is attempting to control and punish the victim by refusing to talk to the other person. For some people, especially those who either experience verbal abuse in the home or experienced it as a child, it can often be overlooked because the verbal assaults feel like a normal way to communicate.
But they are anything but normal and can have lasting consequences. Verbal abuse can take a number of different forms, including:. While not an exhaustive list, these are a few examples of the common types of verbal abuse that can occur.
Verbal abuse can impact every element of life, including academic performance, relationships, and success at work later in life. Just like any other form of abuse or bullying, verbal abuse has both short- and long-term consequences, including the following mental health problems:.
When verbal abuse is particularly severe, it can impact whether or not people can see themselves as being successful in any area of life. Those who experience verbal abuse as children may experience feelings of worthlessness, difficulty trusting others, and problems regulating their emotions as adults. A number of studies have shown that children who are verbally abused, either at home or by their peers at school, are at a greater risk for depression and anxiety as adults.
When it comes to verbal abuse, victims often question whether or not what they are experiencing is truly abusive. They also wonder whether or not it is a big deal.
Here are some signs that a family member, friend, peer, or dating partner is verbally abusive. The first step in dealing with verbal abuse is to recognize the abuse. If you were able to identify any type of verbal abuse in your relationship, it's important to acknowledge that first and foremost. By being honest about what you are experiencing, you can begin to take steps to gain back control.
While you need to consider your individual situation and circumstances, these tips can help if you find yourself in a verbally abusive relationship. Firmly tell the verbally abusive person that they may no longer criticize, judge or shame you, name-call, threaten you, and so on.
Depending on the situation, a counselor can also help the victim learn how to set limits and ask for change if the relationship is an ongoing one. Also, if staying in a relationship with someone who has been verbally abusive, ask that he or she participate in counseling as well.
Additionally, support group sessions with other victims of verbal abuse may also prove helpful to the recovery of some. In addition to holistic therapy , there are certain self-help strategies that a person can take to aid their recovery. Keeping a journal to document emotions and thoughts is a positive way to express oneself about the abuse and the recovery process. Read self-help books on improving self-esteem.
Being active and socializing with positive people can also help. It is important for people not to isolate themselves which may encourage depression and stress. By participating in positive activities and meeting new people, a person can make strides towards re-establishing his or her self-esteem and confidence. Understanding Verbal Abuse. What is Verbal Abuse?
The Signs of Verbal Abuse It is important that people recognize when they are being verbally abused.
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