Alcoholics do this because they are trying to self-regulate by controlling their external world to make up for their internal turmoil. When someone becomes addicted to a substance, in this case, alcohol rehab is usually necessary because alcohol becomes something they physically need.
The body adapts to having certain alcohol levels, and after a while, if the level of alcohol is not maintained, it is physically painful. In the case of alcohol addiction, withdrawal can be deadly if not medically assisted. In the view of an alcoholic, nothing matters more than where they are getting their next drink. The following fix will remain the most essential thing in their life until they enter recovery because their body quite literally needs the substance for them to function.
The physical dependence on the alcohol and the scramble to remain numb often leads alcoholics to blame, manipulate, or bully family members and loved ones until their, now physical need is satisfied. Alcoholics, most often, are using alcohol to suppress having to feel the fullness of negative emotions. The distress may be a myriad of things. Their current job is overwhelming for them; maybe they grew up rough and are suffering from the wounds of childhood.
Maybe something traumatic has happened in the recent past, or they are lonely. With all these bottled-up emotions when an alcoholic does drink since alcohol naturally lowers inhibitions, loved ones often find themselves caught in the torrent as the emotions re-surface most often as anger.
These outbursts are akin to a volcano blowing out sideways rather than straight-up, as the emotions will always find a way out. Because you are a trusted loved one, the addict knows that you will not hurt them in their pain-fueled rage. The alcoholic knows that, most likely, there will be minimal to possibly no consequences for them becoming violent which happens far too often and feel free to unleash all of their pent up angst on a loved one in that moment of drunkenness. All addicts, alcoholics included, must help themselves.
They must be the ones to choose to recover. Walking away is difficult for many targets, but if the addict is hurting you, you must distance yourself. If they are violent towards you or their behavior is otherwise inadequate, you must contact the proper authorities. You must be consistent with refusing to accept poor behavior; this includes emotional and verbal abuse. What is so difficult for an alcoholic as they move into the troubled stage of the disease is that by that time they cannot conceive of not drinking and yet they begin to understand that they do not drink like normal people.
They sense a problem but in no way are they willing to admit that they have a problem; that requires a serious shrinking of ego to admit that and alcoholics are ego-driven. In the Big Book of AA they describe alcoholism as self-will run riot and that very accurately describes an alcoholic as they reach the problem stage.
Ego, and fear, prevents them from admitting to a problem, so they go about finding a way to drink normally. Adjustments are made to their drinking habits. Maybe they try only drinking on weekends; next they try drinking a different drink, possibly beer instead of wine. Once drinking becomes a necessity and once the alcoholic realizes that fact then the hiding and the lies begin.
By this stage it has become apparent that loved ones do not approve of your drinking habits, and you realize that you cannot or will not quit drinking, so the only solution is to hide the amount of drinking and lie about it. For many this is also the stage where inhibitions break down and moral decay begins. Now we are not only covering up the drinking but we also have to cover up our behavior, whether it be affairs or stealing or cheating someone in a business deal.
Now the self-loathing kicks into high gear for we not only hate ourselves for our weakness in not being able to quit drinking but we also despise ourselves for our moral decay. Telling lies at this point is almost second nature. I found myself fabricating stories when I had no reason to do so and I know for a fact most alcoholics do the same.
Quite frankly it is exhausting being an alcoholic, constantly hiding the truth, constantly telling lies and constantly beating ourselves up for our lack of character and strength. Our very existence at this point becomes fear-based. We are fearful that you will find out what we are. We are fearful that you will find out who we are.
We are fearful most of all that we will eventually have to live a life without alcohol in order to survive and that is unthinkable. By this time alcohol has become who we are; we are so tied to it psychologically and physically that we cannot and will not entertain thoughts of living without it. We will do anything to protect ourselves and our disease for truly the two are so intertwined that it is impossible to distinguish between them.
We need control by this time in the disease. We sense we are losing complete control and so we try harder to establish control in every facet of our lives. If people do not act the way we want them to act we become angry. Everyone is out to get us, to screw us, to keep us from achieving what we want to achieve, so we exert more control over everyone. The boss at work hates us, the wife is a bitch, the kids are a pain in the ass and nobody understands us because if they did they would leave us the hell alone.
The sad thing is that by this point in the disease the alcoholic has no control over anything in his or her life. The lies have been found out; the poor performances at work have been discovered.
Friends are dropping like flies and the family is embarrassed, shaken to the core, frightened, angry and considering options in life that have nothing to do with the alcoholic.
The end is very near and that terrifies the alcoholic who by now is helpless to mount a defense. One way or another it ends.
The lucky few find a way whether it be by treatment or some other form of intervention. The unlucky either find themselves in prison, in a mental institution, or dead. There is no magical cure for this disease, and the number of deaths attributable to alcoholism is staggering. Without a program of rigorous honesty the alcoholic is defenseless.
Without completely changing their lives there is no hope for happiness. Those, my friends, are truths. I truly hope that this has helped someone out there who is either suffering from alcoholism or who loves someone who is an alcoholic. If my experience can help someone else, then it has all been worth it for me. May peace be with all of you! Drugs, supplements, and natural remedies may have dangerous side effects. If pregnant or nursing, consult with a qualified provider on an individual basis.
Seek immediate help if you are experiencing a medical emergency. Answer: I'm no expert, but my initial response is by providing loving stability in a family which has been torn apart. This is a tough one, but I still believe in the power of love. Thank you Smoked! Thirteen years and counting.
I hope your partner finds the path, for both of you. Truly enlightening. I hope my partner can turn himself around or we are done. Blessings to you Thank you Bill for sharing your story. I am truly happy that you quit and overcame your addiction. Your insights have helped me a lot so thanks again. Thank you Jo! It was a struggle. It took me decades to find the peace of mind and heart necessary to finally quit. I came across this article this morning and found it so compelling.
I'm not much of a drinker an occasional glass of wine , but I've always had the feeling when hearing these stories is "there but for the grace of God go I". You are to be commended, Bill, for overcoming your addiction and for sharing it with and helping others. Carrie, I totally changed my lifestyle. There is no magic potion You hit the nail on the head with this as I read it I was stunned by its accuracy. My own alcoholism scares the hell out of me and I've tried to be sober many times and I'm back in the beginning again.
It's a horrible way to live. Thank you for sharing this. Jamie, I'm very sorry for you. He has made his choices, so my sorrow goes to you. Best wishes to you in the future.
I wish I had good news for you, but in this case, I have none. I've been dating a man for 18 months who is an alcoholic. He has been lying to everyone that he's sober so time is running out for him. I love him with my whole heart and every time we get close in our relationship he rages into an argument. My opinion to get me gone so I don't tell his secret. Heartbroken is an understatement. Karen, it's just an ugly situation for everyone concerned. I don't usually give advice but I will in this instance.
Yes, you should tell his mother about the failed suicide Then the sooner you can get over him the better. This had nothing to do with you. He had no idea, starting out, how much he loved alcohol.
Once he found out, you were destined to be in 2nd place in his life. I'm very sorry. It's up to him now whether he gets help or not. I have just split up with an alcoholic 15 days ago I love him dearly and so do my 2 girls and I am really struggling to come to terms with him suddenly finishing things He sometimes admits he has a problem, feels really depressed, worthless, doesn't want to get out of bed Or want to go on living But he won't get help He has now blocked me from everything and I fear that he is spiralling out of control I have told him I would be here to help and support him and so has his mum But he is not listening I have a dilemma I am the only one who knew about it and I feel should mention it 2 his mum so that she knows just how low he has been I know that if anything happens to him the guilt of not telling someone will destroy me I still love him dearly I so wish he would get help I suffer from depression so I know how feeling low can affect you I feel, helpless and am heartbroken Broken Heart, I am so very sorry for your loss.
I've seen it all too often and I'm so tired of watching good people die to this disease. Sending your comfort through the airwaves. If you ever need to chat through email you can reach me at holland yahoo. I don't know where to start. I do not drink. I have struggled so trying to FEEL what this addiction must do to a person.
I lost my son who was 28 who took his life. I don't have to tell you all the horrible things he went through and what it feels like for the family who no matter what desperate attempts to bring him to sobriety feels like. The horrible, undescribable feeling of not being able to save him and living without my son.
Wendy, I wish you the best. It is an impossible situation for those who have to sit by and watch the self-destruction. Just know there is nothing you can do Offer love and move on, my friend. Thank you, Bill, for this absolutely sobering look pun intended into the mind of an alcoholic. I've been completely unable to comprehend why my son would continue drinking when it's obvious to me and everyone else around him that his drinking is the cause of nearly all the problems he is suffering at present.
Sadly, now I get it. The people left in his life all 2. There have a been a couple moments he was almost agreeable to it but then changed his mind. It's frustrating. To know that you've come out of it and have written and shared this beautiful account gives me light and hope.
Thank you again for sharing. Somewhere within those 95 comments, I'm fairly sure I'm in there. In any event, I'll say something today. The millions of individuals dealing with addiction, healing, balancing and perhaps now struggling are in reality, some of the strongest, most compassionate people there are. Character and resolve are born of pulling one's self up and out from the depths of a hell on earth. It is my hope that if you find yourself in this position, you recognize the incredible importance of your contribution to any recovery.
There have been a few times in my life I drank rather heavily. What turned me around was the fact that AA meetings bore me. They keep rambling on and on, and all their stories are the same.
I realized that if I didn't get a grip on myself, not only would I be forced to give up alcohol forever, but I would also have to attend those meetings. That kept me in line. I have since discovered ways to curb the desire to drink. The best way is to do a heavy duty sweaty workout, then take a cold swim. Afterwards, you're refreshed, and don't want to drink; doing so will put you to sleep.
SJ, first of all, I'm sorry for your loss and pain. Why don't you email me at holland yahoo. If you choose not to, let me just say that no one on earth can force an alcoholic to rehab and make them take it seriously Well, it happened. We were already "on the rocks" no pun intended. Although my engagement was magical and I had very high hopes, his relationship with beer and vodka had already crept back into our lives only a few short months after the proposal and everything was turning sour.
He sobered up and went to treatment to keep me and save us a week before he was hospitalized. He never again left ICU. I am angry and hurt and sad and devastated. This was not supposed to happen. Neither were all the other ugly things that happened afterward.
I guess in his drunken state which was constant he must have told a lot of lies and made a lot of empty promises because a lot of very mean things happened to me when he passed.
I just need to hear from you that this was his choice and that he was at fault for this. I can't help but blame myself for not forcing him into rehab sooner although I have no proof it would have worked. Emma, thank you for sharing your story and your pain.
I'm truly sorry for your loss. I was able to find the answer before serious damage was done to my health, and I was able to repair damage to family. Today I am able to receive love, and give it, but I know for a fact that it is impossible to do when the only love is alcohol.
I wish I could give you words of comfort but I simply don't know the answer to your final question. I'm sure a part of your man loved you, but he was simply too far gone to show it. I lost the only man I loved from this terrible illness. It will be one year next week since he died and I still find it hard. I think he was already too far into alcohol when we got together and either could not or did not want to stop.
A year before he died he was admitted to hospital with alcoholic hepatitis and I am not sure, as he never spoke about it, but I think the doctors told him he was dying and there was nothing more they could do. Six months before he died he pushed me away because I told him I loved him and he could not handle that. He did not think he was worth anything and did not understand why I loved him or cared so much. His best friend found him at the end unconscious and yellow.
I think his liver just gave out. Thank you for your insights into how and why from the perspective of an alcoholic. Alcohol is one of the most commonly abused substances and often has specific stereotypes linked to abuse of it. When picturing someone struggling with alcohol addiction, it is common to imagine a disheveled, homeless person, or someone who has lost their home, family and other possessions due to their alcohol abuse.
These stereotypes are only the end result of a much longer process, and they can mislead functioning alcoholics because their lives have yet to fit these stereotypes. The reality is that a functioning alcoholic can still be controlled by their alcohol abuse. Alcoholism is a disease that slowly develops over time, not all at once. While everyone may experience this progression differently, there are four common stages people go through when becoming a functional alcoholic.
The first stage of alcoholism is a general experimentation with the substance. Individuals in this stage may not be familiar with different types of alcohol, so they are more likely to test their limits. This is how problem drinking starts. Usually, people in the first stage of alcoholism are not drinking every day, and they are still able to perform daily activities. Although drinking may not consume their thoughts, they may need to drink more to reach the desired level of intoxication.
During this stage, someone may believe they are still functioning because they have a job and they are successfully maintaining relationships. The second stage of alcoholism is defined by the mental obsession with the next drink. Many people consume alcohol in order to relax and unwind. But, those struggling with alcohol abuse may see drinking as the only way to relieve stress.
Over time, other coping skills will fade away and all negative thoughts and feelings will be addressed by drinking alcohol.
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